I thought there was strength within me somewhere. Faith was it’s anchor, but as the day draws near I find I am completely undone. It’s almost been a year and God is still catching the tears that flow once flow from the endless resource of a broken heart.
I thought I needed stillness to silence my mind but I find I needed it to lose the gates of mourning. It is not His direction I seek, it is His arms of solace I require to sustain me in my hours of need.
Who sleeps by you at night? Have you laughed together today? Told him/her you loved ’em? Do you remember the day you realized you never wanted to let them go? The day you wed? The last time you snuggled on the couch or made out instead of watching the movie? How long has it been since it felt like you were both ALL-IN and didn’t spend the evening gazing at a phone or TV screen when the one you love above all others sits across from you an arm’s reach away.
You may have tonight and tomorrow to remedy anything missing in your marriage but you might not. Then every second wasted with idleness or numbness will haunt you as you step back to collect the beauty that was in your hand and now is outside your grasp.
Oh Lenny we had some beautiful, unmatched moments. We shared some glorious days and one incredible journey but oh how difficult it is to be me without you. What I wouldn’t give to roll over at night and be lost in your arms and hide from the world.
I’m not so strong. My faith isn’t so great that I am not crushed by this separation. I need You Lord to hold fast to me in this week as I walk toward our last days and face the anniversary of Lenny’s departure and homecoming. And Lord even as You sustain this child please stir the couples who still have moments left to make more memories.
Time wasted can not be redeemed. Turn off your phones, PCs and tvs and go for a drive or a walk or watch the sunset. I may have to wait until eternity to walk hand in hand with the one my soul was knit for but you do not. I’d give almost anything to have what you hold. Don’t waste it.