So you can go ahead and think that I am strange… You can psychoanalyze me as well, I’ve tried doing it on myself – I think it’s a waste of time but go ahead and try and let me know if you get back with any really concrete, christ-centered thoughts on the matter.
I have nightmares, always have ever since I was 5. This is the first time in my life however that I’ve had to wake up to nightmares alone. My brother or sister was there in my childhood. I had a barrack worth of females while I was in the military. And then I had Lenny. And now… there’s nobody physically there.
So they are hard to shake when you can’t get those terrors of the night to fade away with the dawn of the day. Lately they just keep hanging on and following me as I wake up, as I try to slide in the prayer, as I try to start the day. They plague me.
Last night it was the Apocalypse. You don’t have to pay for horror adventure movies when you get a free one at night (just saying).
Last night Asian people wear blowing up anything and everything. They were chasing down, capturing and ultimately annihilating everyone. Their agenda? Destroy the rest of humankind and of course take over the world. They had a great plan and the power to not only bring it to pass but also to put themselves in a shield that while destroying all of us would ensure they would live forever and never die.
I kept getting captured, me and my sidekick who has no face or name, and then we would find a way to set people free. All night. Over and over again.
Finally we came up with a plan and caught up with the adversary and his guru. But just as we were about to take him out he set off the button that caused death to everybody outside his sphere, which was him and his sidekick and me and whoever I was running with.
Now everybody was dead and gone and we four remained. Now there was no way to die. Now he lacked am army and power so he ran. I was undone. I was the one eager for death to catch up with me that’s why I had kept intervening and doing ‘right’ but not ‘smart’ things.
As a widow, whose soulmate had already reached our dream destination, I was completely undone because I couldn’t died. The reality was that now there was no reason to be alive because there was nobody else to help or save. Yet regardless of what I tried I was alive and well. Stuck in this world forever.
When I woke up all I could hear and feel was that endless taunting that had set in in my nightmare when there was nothing left to do and no way to move toward home.
In the moments that followed negative things that had been expressed to me about my actions and reactions… blah blah blah they all just kept ringing through my head. To make it worse it was Lennys voice speaking it and it was filled with disappointment. Stuff in the past and the present were all thrown up in one nasty, ugly mess. I was done.
And the moments that followed that I was like skip gathering to celebrate Lenny’s homecoming. Skip going anyplace with anybody. Run. Just run off alone cuz there is nothing else I can do. Those were my thoughts and so I started making phone calls to see about canceling things the first thing but from the start it was a bust. I sit down frustrated, pleading for God to give me some answers or let me breathe. And He came whispering post the echos on the night. He didn’t send me to my Bible which is good cuz I’m still struggling with comprehension. He also didn’t tell me to go to a prayer time-out. What He said was, ‘Let’s go work on our getaway station.’ So I turned all my attention to turning away with the Lord. By the time I got some stuff lined out for the camper my heart was in a sweeter spot. And there was only a slight echo of the enemys threats. Peace settled in and my heart was refreshed with memories and plans for embracing a difficult day with people who loved Lenny and live me.
So I hit the road and shook the old man for a bit but as I headed into the house this evening here he came again. Emotionally, spiritually and physically I am exhausted and I sat down hoping the weariness would allow me to take a nap.
I was so NUMB. What to do Lord? Then I remembered that today is my spiritual birthday! So off I go to celebrate it differently than any of the past 35 years. I am headed back to the woods just to be still with my Savior / Creator. THEN I am going to sit and watch the sunset and wait to hear whippoorwills and count my blessings.
Our days don’t have to end like they started. Thank you Lord!
I would appreciate all the prayers that I could get that tonight won’t be the sequel of last night. Thank you!