Me without you… A widows heart

I don’t remember me without you, Lenny.

We were married almost 33 years and we work side-by-side for 24 years. My days revolved around you, when I cooked, went bed, went to town… they were based upon what your schedule looked like day by day. My work/call revolved around your call. My dreams all danced around with yours. Our future and retirement were all entwined.

For a year plus I have held on to memories and stayed close to God but I find I keep trying to step into things that I did when we walked/served together… and I can’t. We tag teamed everything. I can’t do most of it alone.

So here I sit in a place that is very special to you and I getting ready to see our faith family… looking for me.

Who am I without you? Who am I.

I love to read the Word with it open in front of me – I don’t want to see it on a screen.

I’d rather walk in the sand with the wind on my face and hear the pounding of the waves than hike up a green mountain trail and see a majestic waterfall.

I’d rather see a flower on a bush than hold the flower in my hand.

I love music but I hear beauty even when it’s quiet.

I occasionally drive too fast but I prefer to take a back road and go slow and make sure I don’t miss anything.

I would rather see a movie I loved a dozen times then go see a dozen different movies.

I love people but they don’t have to love me back.

Wherever I am I will make it feel homey but I don’t have to have a home.

I’d rather have a hundred friends scattered across the world than one best one… At least since you’ve been gone.

I feel your heart still. I hear your voice. I know I am rich because of what we shared. But I miss sitting on the couch with you and just leaning into you and being held.

Your presence close to me made it where none of the other stuff mattered. To close out the day beside the one who loves you was one of life’s simplest but most beautiful treasures. What I enjoyed about life was sharing it with you.

I miss your Love.

I miss you.

I miss me.

Here I Lord. You know. You understand what was, is and will. Lead me and establish my heart in Your hands.

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