Written Saturday May 4, 2019 11:30 a.m. for May 5th release.
Tonight it will be two years since I had to release you. I have had to learn to walk alone all over again and sometimes I am angry that you are gone. All those things you ‘handled’ I am still trying to figure out. Things we could do together – that I find I cannot do alone. I actually kept the bills and insurance all lined out for you in case I died first but you didn’t keep me lined out. I hadn’t pulled a camper or trailer since I was 18 in the Marine Corps. And I was totally clueless why we had like so many different sets of keys.
Stuff happens and often I need you to help me reason it out or walk me past it or take me away.
I still have a head injury so few understand but you did and now when it becomes an issue I am back to hiding out or trying to explain something I can’t even fully grasp. You are not there to see it and ease me through it.
You were suppose to have my back. I had yours… you were suppose to have mine. That’s what couples do as they toward their golden years.
So when I’m hurting and tired of talking.
Eager for heaven and yearning to be at your side.
When half of us is missing and it just doesn’t seem to flow within me… without you.
Yup I get flustered that you are gone and I am here.
I don’t want people’s pity. I don’t need someone to take your place. I just need and want you back.
To hear your laughter.
To take off on a walk hand in hand.
To dream with you.
To sit beside you on the couch and pretend I am enjoying MMA matches.
To walk through life and Wal-mart with.
We were suppose to be one of those elderly couples still holding hands and smiling as we walked across the parking lot trying to remember where we parked the car. That’s what YOU said over and over again… that is what I heard… that’s what I wanted too… and that is what I cannot have.
The conversations about what we would do when and if we retired…. all of them were wrong because they involved the two of us and only one remains.
We were ying and yang. The other supplying what the other lacked. Now I find I often struggle to understand who I am… apart from you.
The blink of eye is taking forever for those of us on this side of eternity.
Today I miss you… bad.
Hold me Lord because You alone know the fullness of my heart. You alone can comfort and are not uncomfortable with all these tears.
Miss you babe.
May 4 8 p.m. conclusion…
So I ugly cried an hour and used my emotions as energy and threw wood in the back of the old Red and hooked up to the trailer a night early to head to the river. Our last night alone was here and I needed the quiet and comforts of this stillness as desperately now as we did 2 years ago.
In our marriage it had been the 2 of us, then kids but even then we enjoyed the 2 of us. We weren’t whining when our kids did what grown kids are suppose to do and took off on their own. We enjoyed Lenny n Sherry days where it was just us and the Lord.
This time it’s kinda like not quiet fair as Lenny’s face to face with Lord and I’m solo but God has still got me in this. And when I close out tonight I will, we will all, be 1 day closer to them… And home.
Save a place for me Babe, I’ll be there soon. Luv you.